not a hero
by tirdrxn
Summary: The reader has been living witch Sam and Dean for a while now and she surely knows that hunting always brings mental issues but she didn't expect the amount of suffering that the brothers deal with. When she discovers it, she really tries to help and comfort them but that has consequences.


„It may be true that I've made a mistake but that shouldn't be a reason for you not to trust me anymore, Dean! I'm not the only one making mistake, you know." Sam stops and looks at his brother. "You know why Charlie died, huh?" Dean doesn't answer "Because she wanted to protect you, _Dean_. And I still trust you, even after she died." Sam shouts angrily and Dean nods. "I know Sam." He simply answers in a scarily cold voice just before he turns around and leaves the main hall. Sam sits down because he realizes the crack in Dean's voice. The older Winchester usually leaves before his voice cracks like that but sometimes, he's too late. And even though Dean's never told him, nor has Sam seen it, but he just knows what happens to his brother after that. He just knows. When he covers his face in his hands, you enter the hall because you heard their argument from the library.

When you find the younger brother sitting on that table without really doing anything, you immediately know something's wrong. You step a little closer and lay your hand on his back, he's shaking. "Hey Sam." You say quietly. He looks up to you and closes his eyes. "Fuck." He whispers so quiet, that you barely understand him. "I fucked up, y/n!" He repeats now louder with a desperate undertone. "What happened?" You ask and sit down next to him. "Really, I didn't mean to. Fuck." He says more to himself than to you. "Sam. Calm down. Whatever happened, we'll fix it." You ensure him and he wipes his faces with his hand. "So, what happened?" You ask again when he's gotten a little calmer. "Dean and I had a fight." He starts and you nod, you heard that. "It was about how he doesn't really trust me since that job in Sioux Falls and…" He swallows, "I told him it's normal to make mistakes and that… Shit, y/n, I don't know how to fix this!" He tells you again and you realize that it has to be really bad because otherwise Sam wouldn't be so upset. "I blamed him for Charlie's death." He admits and you close your eyes. That is in fact one of the worst things he could have said to Dean. "It's alright, Sammy. We're gonna figure it out, okay?" He nods but he doesn't seem to be convinced. "He won't listen to me." He says and you know it's true, even if he did, Dean wouldn't accept that it wasn't his fault. "I'll see what I can do. You go get some rest and calm down, alright? Call me if you want me to come" You answer and he nods. "Thank you y/n. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Go." You tell him in a friendly tone and he leaves the hall. You bite your lip, telling yourself you can do this before you stay up and go to their rooms too.

When you enter Dean's room, you see something you expected: Dean' staying with the back to you and he seems to be burning some papers. When he notices you, he immediately puts them down and turns to you. His green eyes are full of anger as he shouts "Leave, y/n!" You simply ignore it and stay exactly where you are. "Leave me alone." Already a little less angry. You shake your head. "That's not gonna happen." "Y/N, please, leave. I don't want you to see this." This time he doesn't shout, he just sounds so exhausted and his voice cracks. "I am not leaving, Dean" You tell him and he sighs. "Fine, then don't" He doesn't even try to hide anything anymore, he just sits down at his bed and stares into nowhere. You decide to sit next to him and so the both of you just stare at the wall silently. After a little while you look at him. "Dean. You know Sam didn't" He interrupts you. "O curse Sam didn't mean to blame me, of course. He'd never do that." He ends your sentence and you nod. "Which doesn't mean, that he's not right. If I hadn't lost control over the mark, Charlie would still be alive." He goes on and you shake your head. "Dean, that's not true. You couldn't have controlled it, not even Lucifer could!" You tell him but he doesn't listen. "But I should have, I was just too weak to do that and now Charlie is dead and Amara is out there." He shouts and stands up. "And don't tell me it's not like that because Charlie isn't the only one." You stand up too. "No, Dean! I will tell you that it is not true because it isn't hell, you are saving so many lives!" You're pretty loud now too, but he just laughs at you. "Well maybe we're saving some lives but I wouldn't be able to do that without all you, because I'm nothing. Everywhere I go I hurt people and all I leave behind is dead and pain. You know that's true." He answers and you try not to blink so he won't see your tears. "You don't see it, do you? You're a fuckin' hero, Dean. Every day you and Sam save so many lives and all you see is how that is not you but everyone else. But that is not right, you are one of them strongest men I've ever met and you are amazing!" You shout at him and he slowly shakes his head. "You haven't seen all the people whose lives were destroyed after they met me, y/n. You don't know how it feels to look into the mirror every day and only seeing your worst enemy. Hell, you all'd be better off without me." He answers and hits the wall. "Think about that. Dean, if you weren't here, a lot would be way worse and you know that." You explain in a normal voice. "I need you, Dean" You add and he immediately seems to calm down. "Look, Dean. You may not have always done the right thing." You say before he is able to answer you. "But you need to accept, that that is alright. God, you don't have to be perfect because no one can be." You explain and notice, that he's forcing himself not to blink. "It's okay to make mistakes but you are perfect to us, to me. And you need to start seeing that and forgive yourself. "You say and lay your hand on his shoulder. He doesn't say anything but you feel his body shaking so you pull him into a tight hug and rub your hand comfortingly over his back. First, he doesn't seem to be comfortable but then, he relaxes and as you feel your back getting a little wet, you pull him tighter. "Shhhh Dean, it's okay. I got you." You whisper and you could her him sobbing. "You're a hero, Dean. I just want you to know that we all love you." You tell him quietly after a little while.

You don't know how long you've been holding him, but when Dean calms down und you can feel his breath on your neck, you know that he's fallen asleep. Carefully, you lay him down onto his bed and put a blanket over him. When you are about to leave the room, you feel him grabbing your hand. A little surprised you turn back to him and he whispers "Please. Don't leave, y/n." You agree and lay yourself next to him under the blanket, feeling his warmth close to you. "Get some rest, Dean." You say softly and he lets go of your wrist. One second later you can tell he's sleeping now which warms up your heart. Even though he doesn't smile, he does look more peaceful now and of curse you'd prefer him to be happy, you're glad he doesn't put on a fake smile now which means he trusts you and maybe you'll be able to help him.

Except for sometimes when you drift away, you don't sleep that night. Not because you can't, but because you want to make sure he's alright because even though you did know Dean blamed himself for pretty much everything, you didn't know it was that bad.

After about three hours was the first time you were sure that staying awake had been a good idea: Dean seemed to have a nightmare. At first you didn't know how to calm him down and his desperate, angry whispers made it impossible for you to focus so you just did, what came to your mind first. You carefully moved yourself closer to him, grabbing his hand to show him he was not alone and quietly told him you were right beside him. After some seconds he calmed down and you relaxed too. He had one nightmare after that, this time his whole body was shaking. This time talking to him didn't really help so you had to think of something new. You decided to lie a little closer to him and caressed his back. After a while he stopped shaking but you still went on, just to make sure he was alright.

* * *

When the Sun first lighted up the room, you were still watching him but your thoughts were somewhere far away from the bunker. That was why you were a little scared, when Dean moved next to you. You blinked three times, before you looked at him. "Hey, y/n. Since when are you awake?" He asked in a hoarse voice and you can tell that last night still is in his mind. "Don't know. You want breakfast?" You lied and sat up. "Yeah, why not." He agreed and as the two of you stood up and you tried to put your hair into a bun, he put on the same smile that you were so used to. You now became aware of the fact that it probably wasn't even real, which shocked you. You didn't even know his smile even though you were so close. You didn't let him see that sudden change of mood when you walked into the kitchen where you met Sam. "Hey." You said to him, "How you doing?" You then wanted to know and he nodded. "Fine and you two?" He asked now looking at Dean and you could clearly see that he didn't know how to act towards his brother. "Fine too." Dean answered for you while you started to make coffee. "I'm gonna get something to eat." Dean said and you nodded thankfully. As soon as Dean left, Sam asked: "How'd you do that? He's not mad at me?" Sam wanted to know and you nodded. "Guess I just told him you didn't mean what you said and… we talked a bit, that's all." You answered because you didn't want to tell him the stuff that you had been talking about yesterday, Dean sure had reasons why he didn't want Sam to know. "That's all? Thank you, y/n, really." "No problem. I mean, I don't want you two to be fighting either so…"


End file.
